trying hard to hang in there...........

i feel like i have to make myself numb from my own emotions, otherwise i would completely loose all grasp of any sanity i have left.

its 430am on friday morning. my last few weeks have been full of no sleep, and constant stress over the kids being sick.

the night before last, i was home alone with the kids, while husb. was on duty. on the dot, as soon as will said on the phone that he would be on his way home, 6y.o nose started bleeding.
let me tell you, this is the same kid who has had random nose bleeds for a couple of years, so a normal nose bleed is something i will not TOTALLY freak out about, lol.
he screamed "mommy!!" and i turned to look at him, and he was picking up his head from the pillow (he had been sleeping on the couch next to me that night) and there was blood just flowing from his nose. now im not exagerrating here, i mean i little constant river of stuff, i freaked out.
i was putting pressure and anything else i can remember, but it was not working,
long story short.....
husb and I got into a argument , because i kept trying to tell him i needed to take my baby to the e.r, and he wouldnt understand.
all 5'3" of me is all nice and shy, until you disagree with me about my kids getting seen by a doctor. i was loud and LOUD!, after a few minutes, got all the kids in the car and went to the hospital.
we got there at 130am, and we got home at 730am. the e.r doctor kept "assuring" me that my son picked his nose in his sleep and thats what the bl**d was from.

i know my son, i know that because of his "personal routines" he sleeps with his hands pressed under his own weight to sleep, so theres no way he could have done that, but because he had a medical degree and i didnt, i gave him the benefit of the doubt.

he told me not to take him to his doctor because it was a regular "nose picking cut". that it "should" not happen again.

730am we got home from the hospital
1042am his nose started again, while napping on the couch
320pm nose starts while sitting on my lap watching tv,
645 nose starts while we are eating dinner
1030pm nose starts while hes trying to fall asleep
2am nose starts while sleeping on my bed
430am nose starts while sleeping again
at 9am i called pediatrics and spoke to a nurse, told her the whole schedule and gave me an appointment for 1045am.

we got there and the doctor tried to say "its from a nose picking incident its likely"
i got upset and told the doctor, i see the flow comming from way back of the nose, not where he showed me the cut at. i also told him the amount of "ooze" that comes out, its just no way that it could be from a tiny cut, not when i saw that its comming from the back of the nose.
especially the large amount of it, wich is my biggest concern

for a 6 year old, to "ooze" that much for that often, is too much.

so the doctor told me that he will take my word and was going to have bloodwork done to see blood cell counts and a number of other things.
he said he will call me as soon as he gets the results and let me know if its something that he has to be admitted for.

since we have been home, he had more episodes...

so the kids and i were about to have dinner, and the 4 y.o asked if we could say grace, he said grace and when we let go of our hands the 6 y.o said he wanted to say a prayer, so i said go ahead baby, and this was his prayer....
"dear god, please help me get better soon so i dont die, amen"

it broke my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i could not stop sobbing.
how do you keep your composture after hearing your baby say that?!?!?

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