ummmm im stumped :/

dont know what to put as a headline, dont even know what to write about.

it was just a weird day today.

i posted yesterday (on a blog i deleted) that i have been a lil down on the subject of an angel baby.

so because of that, i have been missing out on my new niece's life. i say to hubby and to myself that i am relieved that they have not been around in a couple of months because its very hard for me to be around the baby, especially after she leaves, but at the same time, i feel horrible because i do love her and want to be the best auntie ever!! not to mention they asked me to be her godmother.

so yesterday i posted that i am happy she has not been here so i can move on, and it seems God wanted to remind me that it's not about me!!!
lol, i love his sense of humor...

my niece and her mommy came to the house today, unannounced.

uummmm i saw the car pull up to the drive way and i swear i tried to run n lock the door and was going to tackle the kids into the room and make them stay quiet, lol
yes, i sound horrible, possibly the worst godmother on the land, i just was not feeling good today so i didnt want to set myself up for more sadness.

she caught me and indeed screamed from her car that she had seen me so i better not lock my door!
ok fine, i tried.

they came over and immidiately she handed the baby to me. told me today was the babys 4 month birthday. want to know how horrible i am!?!!?
i do not know her name yet! its not that i havent asked, or heard it a million times, i guess its hjust part of my self protecting mechanism to not get attached.
yes i do feel bad.

she said they were staying for 15 minutes because i told her hubby was on his way home so we can get my meds, he never made it home in 15 mins and she stayed for 4 hours.
4 hours that she decided to spend with my kids cleaning my house because she said she needed a break from her baby.
so she picked me to hold her the whole time.

yes i loved it, i love the smell and the softness of the baby. i was trying hard not to LOVE it. hubby came home and saw the baby and smiled and said "oh gawd" i knew what he meant...

eventually i would cry to him sometime during the day that i wanted a baby. he would then argue the reasons why we shouldnt and i would cry why we should...

my niece n mommy left and not even 15 minutes later, without even noticing it, i had started the conversation with him. it ended in me crying over never having a real pregnancy and delivery and ended with him telling me if i want a baby i can go get pregnant somewhere else.

ughhhhh the pillow looked so good a s a tool for smothering him!!!!!!

i do understand his reasons though, with the last 4 they were so premature they had so many close calls, then with the last 3, my uterus ruptured, docs were amazed we made it through, so they HAD to tie my tubes because next time i wouldnt make it through.
at this point in the conversation i honestly dont care about his reasons, the only reasons i care about are mine. i know, its selfish, i should and AM thankful for the kids i do have, but with all the pregnancies being so close to death basically, i never knew what its like to be pregnant o r to deliver a baby, and i guess thats whats wrong, i am sorry for sounding like such an ungreatful snot, but something feels like its missing in my body and i cant figure it out, on top of that is my many miscarriages, i think i am just going through something very weird mentally or emotionally, i cant figure it out, but im sure God will remind me of it, soon i hope ;)

1 comment:

  1. ICLWer- thanks for the comment on my blog!

    I didn't see my close friend's baby for a YEAR. He was born after I was dealing with secondary IF and a miscarriage and I just didn't want to deal with it.

    Self-preservation is underrated.


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